


Into Dust

by cafephan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: angsty in parts but a fluffy open-ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-23
Updated: 2015-03-23
Packaged: 2018-03-19 07:56:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3602322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cafephan/pseuds/cafephan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan broke up with Phil, and Phil took it hard. When Dan hears Phil call himself useless during a liveshow, he backtracks and skims over the past events, and both discover what they gave up.</p>
<p>Loosely based on 'Into Dust' by Mazzy Star</p>
            </blockquote>





	Into Dust

“I didn’t have a best friend for the first eighteen years of my life” Dan began to tell a worried viewer during an Internet Support Group, “but now I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. It’ll happen for you, just be patient. Good luck” he finished with a hopeful smile to the camera. 

It hurt Dan to know that some of his viewers suffered like he did during childhood. He had always made it his mission to help where he could, whether it be with a tweeted meme, a simple sarcastic tweet to their replies, or even a video addressing their worries like the one he’d just filmed. 

With a sigh, he got up and turned off the camera, ejecting the SD card ready to export the footage for editing later. He placed the card on the desk, and decided to reward himself with a coffee after countless hours of filming.

As he was leaving his bedroom to walk into the living room, Phil’s voice made him stay put, and just listen, hidden behind his doorframe. 

“If I had to have a superpower what would it be?”

Dan immediately remembered it was the time of Phil’s weekly liveshow, and they usually had a policy of not interrupting the other’s liveshow until it was of dire urgency.  
“I don’t know… but here’s a similar kind of question, what superpower do you think you currently possess?” Phil read from the chat, and Dan remained stood behind the doorframe, still listening intently to his flatmate.

Phil was silent for a while, Dan assumed in contemplation.

“I- I don’t know? I’m pretty useless…” Phil told his liveshow viewers, and a lump formed in Dan’s throat.

Instead of running over to his flatmate and reassuring him that wasn’t true – because it wasn’t – Dan retreated back into his bedroom, softly closing the door behind him so Phil wouldn’t notice his eavesdropping, and clicked onto the YouNow app, and another click so he was now viewing Phil’s liveshow just like the other 12 thousand people.

For once, Dan was uncaring about what would be said about the two of them, in the past he had refrained from watching Phil’s liveshows since the last time ended up in disaster; danisnotonfire is now watching AmazingPhil’s liveshow! was all the internet could talk about for a week, petty really.

“Aw, Jess said I have the power to make people happy, and Katie T agreed and said barely anyone has such a power” Phil was blushing slightly, and it brought a smile to Dan’s face to see the chat blowing up with sweet, reassuring messages (he ignored the occasional ‘Dan is watching omg Phan is real!1!1’).

“Tabitha said I have the power to save people” Phil read from the chat, and Dan blinked back a tear that was beginning to teeter on his waterline.

He wished that 2009 could return, and he and Phil could relive their golden year. Where everything was candy floss clouds and golden syrup rivers, the time of the first philisnotonfire. 

But it couldn’t, because Dan screwed up.

***

“I think we’d just be better off… you know?” Dan sat cross-legged on the sofa in front of Phil, who had his head to the side in confusion.

“What do you mean?” Phil asked curiously, slowly withdrawing his hand from its previous position on top of Dan’s.

“You know… as friends. As Dan and Phil” Dan spoke slowly, trying to mask his real desire. He didn’t want this, he didn’t.

“As in isnotonfire and Amazing?” Phil asked in response, playing with his fingers in his lap, his glassy eyes now locked with Dan’s.

“Of course not that, as Howell and Lester, not as… Phan” Dan felt like he had to physically spell out his bluff to his boyfriend of nearly three years, who was now freely crying into his hands.

“Phil?” Dan asked, reaching a hand out to the older male who had now moved his knees up to his chest.

“I understand” Phil croaked, then swiftly jumped up and shuffled into his bedroom, gently closing and locking the door behind him.

Dan remained on the sofa, but now with his knees up to his chest, mirroring Phil from only a few seconds before. He didn’t need to do that, he really didn’t. He was just scared, and he wanted to save his precious dignity.

‘Phil’s too good for you, just wait til you find out’ 

‘I know you’ve not announced you’re together yet but it doesn’t have a future’

‘Give it up’

‘You’re punching above your weight’

Dan read through more of his comments, all of which being received without him officially coming out, nevertheless with his relationship, well ex-relationship, with Phil.

**

It was days until Dan and Phil communicated again. Dan only saw Phil twice, once on a bathroom run and another when they both went to get cereal.

Dan watched Phil walk over solemnly to the sofa and laid down, his awkwardly long body stretching over the end of the sofa. He laid in silence, with the occasional sniffle making sure Dan’s attention was never diverted elsewhere.

Eventually, Dan walked over and sat in the armchair opposite the sofa, and thankfully Phil was facing where Dan was now sitting.

Phil set to turn over, but Dan quickly set a hand on Phil’s shoulder, preventing him to do so.

“You can’t be like this forever, it was only me” Dan spoke, breaking the uncomfortable silence, and Phil’s eyes widened.

“Only you?” he chuckled bitterly, causing a bubble of anxiety to form in Dan’s stomach. Where was Phil going with this?

“Only you?” Phil repeated, his voice with a noticeably louder tone to it this time.

“Yes” Dan replied, looking down at his lap.

“I can’t believe you’re trying to play that card” Phil stated, and Dan couldn’t mask his confusion.

“What card?” he asked, his voice smaller than ideal.

“The ‘I’m so innocent, I didn’t mean to break your heart’ card” Phil expanded, now sitting in an upright position.

“You don’t understand-“ Dan began, but was abruptly interrupted.

“No, I understand perfectly. It’s just me, isn’t it? I’m not good enough for you, so instead of letting your blindingly huge ego down you have to make me feel a million times worse. You know, there’s such a thing as letting one down easy” he was evidently pissed, that much was obvious, but as Dan set to open his mouth to explain, Phil held up a finger indicating he wasn’t finished.

“Did it ever occur to you that I could possibly be fading? You know, in the sense that I can never be enough for you?” instead of ranting further, Phil placed a cushion over his face and sobbed hysterically.

Dan was taken aback, more than ever before. How could Phil think that? It was literally the opposite. He had to know, he just had to…

“Okay, let’s talk this out, if you want to play it this way. How about when you always found an excuse not to be with me? All the ‘no sorry I have to get a new camera’ and ‘no sorry I’m meeting with Louise’s? News flash, Phil, we have a shelf full of spare cameras and Louise has been in Disneyland for the past three weeks” Dan was portraying every emotion he had into his tone, and the crack in his voice at the end gave away the most dominant.

“Oh, you want to know what that was? Fine” Phil shouted, throwing his arms in the air and storming into his bedroom, slamming the door behind him in a rage.

Dan sat in silence for a minute or two before Phil came back into the living room, holding a velvet bag in his hands, which he soon threw at the younger.

“Open it” he ordered, and Dan obeyed, undoing the bag and retrieving the small black velvet box inside.

“What? were you-“

“Yeah, I was. Happy fucking three years” Phil stomped back into his bedroom, leaving a purely shocked Dan in his wake, not only because of the taboo.

Without realising what he was doing Dan slipped the ring onto his finger and admired it in the light, it looked perfect – overly clichéd expression, yes, but utterly fitting.

Sadly, he had to remove the ring at some point, and slipped it safely back into the box then into the bag, then stored the bag into his chest of drawers in his room. 

“It would have been perfect…” Dan sighed to himself before he cried himself to sleep that night.

**

Dan had never been more in love with Phil, never more so than when he was avoiding all contact. 

It felt like Dan was just another of Phil’s viewers like in the pre-2009 era, as he got the same treatment as them. The tweets stopped, the liking and commenting of videos stopped, all social media interactions between Dan and Phil stopped. The fans noticed, and hourly both males’ news feeds on every network were cascaded with comments asking what happened.

Eventually, they gave up.

Just like Phil gave up on Dan.

Just like when Phil’s appearance went back to normal, the sleepless eyes replaced with the most tranquil of blue, the heavy bags beneath them thoroughly eradicated, the poorly covered up tear streaks as good as never existing.

Everything went back to before they met, regardless of living in rooms next to each other. 

They were back to being two strangers, their once unbreakable friendship now mere dust.

*** 

“You guys are all so nice!” Phil grinned as he read through the still buzzing chat.

“Hattie asks where Dan is” Phil read, and for a second Dan swore he saw Phil’s expression read sadness before returning to his grin, and Dan swallowed back the lump in his throat.

“I believe he is filming a video, so be on the lookout for that. I know I will be” Phil answered before quickly moving onto the next question.

Although the two were now on speaking terms, they were nowhere near as close. It wasn’t like Dan could just go and have a heart-to-heart conversation with Phil until 7am like they used to. The fact that they hadn’t even shared recent video ideas was odd, it was normally all they could hold a conversation about.

They could hold a conversation for maximum two hours, then one would have to make an excuse to leave before the uncomfortable and awkward atmosphere choked them to death.

“Okay it’s been very nice chatting with all of you, this liveshow was so relaxed! I’m going to say goodbye to a lot of people now so..” 

Dan clicked off the liveshow, knowing he wouldn’t be missing anything but a long list of fan names.

He then waited until the app confirmed Phil was offline, then strolled into the living room, where his best friend – Dan still very much considered him so – was closing his laptop and walking into the kitchen.

“How was your liveshow?” Dan asked, putting on a poker face and bringing back his bluffing skills from that fateful day.

“It was okay, I suppose. I got a lot of comments saying you were watching? But I guess that wasn’t true” Phil replied, head hanging low.

“You’re not useless” Dan blurted before his brain could catch up with his mouth, causing Phil to spin round on his heel. 

“So you were, yay” Phil teased with a weak smile before turning back to the cupboard and retrieving a bowl.

“Okay, this will sound weird but hear me out” Dan was apprehensive of what he was about to say, but Phil spun back around (with his bowl in his hands) all the same.

“Yeah, shoot” he encouraged whilst bending down to get the cereal.

“Can we… start over?” Dan asked, more hopeful than anything.

“What do you mean?” asked, still not giving Dan his undivided attention as he would’ve liked.

Dan bit his lip before taking a step forward, towards Phil.

“Dan Howell. YouTuber” he stated, making sure to emphasise the breaks between the words, holding a hand out towards Phil, who looked positively baffled.

“Phil Lester. YouTuber” Phil played along, still notably confused. 

“Nice to meet you” Dan grinned before pulling Phil into a hug, which evidently shocked him, as he tensed for a few seconds before willingly hugging Dan back.

“You’re such a nerd” Phil laughed, sounding genuinely happy, for the first time in years, for once not the fake happiness and enthusiasm he puts on for videos, meetups and liveshows.

“Your nerd” Dan replied automatically, his eyes widening once he realised what he’d just said.

“My nerd” Phil confirmed before squeezing Dan tighter, what could be construed as amorously.

Before either could tell what they were doing their lips were gently connecting, sweetly and softly. When they pulled away, they shared a simple smile, neither wanting to question what just happened.

“Goodnight, Phil” Dan bid his farewells and retreated back to his bedroom, trying his best to hide the skip in his step.

He pulled out some pyjama bottoms from the drawer and brushed upon the velvet from years ago, and ran his fingers across it.

“Maybe someday” he smiled to himself fondly.

Before he fell asleep that night, Dan grabbed his phone from the bedside table and sent a quick text to Phil, 2009 still vividly in his mind, their meeting a recurring focality.

‘It was you, breathless and tall’

He pressed send, and knew he would knew what he was referencing, their first meeting. When Dan knew, and still does know.

Around a minute later his phone buzzed, and the contents allowed him to sleep with a wide smile etched onto his face.

‘Still falling, breathless and on again’

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this for my friend's birthday, and this was the first piece of phanfiction I ever wrote, I like to think i've improved since but I wanted to post it anyway :)
> 
> Read my other works on my profile or my phanfiction blog ( cafephan.tumblr.com ) x


End file.
